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‘Bachelorette’ finale recap: I’m reclaiming my time

Bryan wins in the longest, wackest season finale

12:01 PMWe have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, run amok and flat-out deceived. Last night’s three (three!)-hour finale sold Bachelor Nation a fugacious dream. Led to believe that what we thought we knew was going to happen wasn’t going to happen, Bachelor Nation sat through three hours of season 13’s asinine new finale format only to have Bryan, the smarmy, oleaginous Miami sweet-talker, win Rachel’s heart anyway. Yeah, how’s that for SAT words?

So sure were we, we foolhardy loyalists, that a plot twist was around the corner, that speculation quickly turned to fantasy.

Was Eric, the king of emotional glow-ups and breakup beards, our beloved dark horse, going to win it all? NOPE. In a shocking twist, Rachel sends Eric home even though Peter told her he wasn’t ready to get down on one knee and that wasn’t likely to change anytime soon. Let me be clear: I wanted Peter to win. I mean, I knew Bryan was going to win from day one and I wanted Peter to prove me wrong. But when Rachel called out Peter’s name over Eric’s, I let out a noise so primeval I shocked myself and had to apologize to the neighbors.

Eric’s departure was followed by Peter’s. Poor, sweet Peter. Peter, who takes marriage the most seriously of all three men. Peter, whose breakup kiss with Rachel lasted five minutes and who cried when she left and who walked by her eyelashes for two days afterward because he didn’t have the heart to throw them away. How could Rachel just walk away from all that? And then to see Rachel light up on the couch next to him during the live commentary and then try to hide it by being rude because her man is watching — it was too much.

There is one hour left in this finale, and Bryan has won by default. But wait, Bachelorette producer Chris Harrison says, you might want to stick around — do you really think you know who wins? So Bachelor Nation sits tight for naught, although we don’t know it yet.

Let me rant for a second. Rachel, a single, successful black woman in her early 30s, fell into a trap that I see a lot of single, successful black women in their 30s fall into. Here is a good man, Peter. Matter of fact, here are two good men, Eric and Peter. Men with whom you connect on a deep emotional level, who are also attractive and charming but maybe aren’t quite ready to get down on one knee yet (in Peter’s case) or are so new to the love game you write him off (Eric). I know you want to do things the “right” way: engagement, marriage, house, babies, in that order. But come on, Rachel, it’s 2017. There is no right order anymore. Was a ring so important to you that you gave up on love? Because I don’t believe for a second Rachel and Bryan have the kind of strong emotional connection that lasting marriages are built on. But what do I know? I’m not single, I’m not in my 30s, and my “success” is questionable.

The final hour was a blur. A mindless blur. What happened? Doesn’t matter, because the winner was revealed long before the end of the show. That means you have official permission to zone out. Did I mention the asinine new format? Anyway, congrats, Rachel. You might not have gotten the man you wanted, but you got the ring. The gaudy, pear-cut halo pavé ring.

Whatever, fam. Maybe Cardi B will be the next Bachelorette.

Clinton Yates contributed to this report.

Daily Dose: 8/4/17

Barack Obama celebrates his 56th birthday

12:19 PMWhat up, gang? I’m in Los Angeles right now, and Thursday night I went to see the premiere of a show called Comrade Detective from Channing Tatum and it’s funny. Anyway, I’ll be on SportsNation Friday. Tune in, kiddos.

Friday is Barack Obama’s birthday. He’s moving closer to 60, and he’s living his best life. I wonder what he does on his born day. Can you imagine what his notifications and texts are like? You were America’s favorite and one of the most hated president for eight years, now you’re out of office AND you have a summer birthday? His phone is going to be buzzing heavy for a legit 24 hours. It’s also his first birthday since he left the White House, so you KNOW it’s gonna be lit. And because she’s the absolute best, Michelle shared a throwback picture for the ages. I love this family.

One of the difficult things about police work is consequences. Our judicial system is not set up to punish people in positions of authority unless it is a widespread, consistent and documented abuse of power. And even then, it’s not easy. It’s legitimately hard, due to the way things are structured, to fire an officer and keep him out of law enforcement going forward. In fact, after termination, quite a few appeal their cases and make their way back onto the force. Check out this investigation into the numbers and reasons as to why that occurs.

I love Aziz Ansari. There’s just no other way to put it. Between his TV work, his comedy, his book and basically everything else, my man is just dope. Remember when he showed up in the Otis video and people freaked all the way out? That was just another Tuesday for your boy. And this latest interview he did with GQ reveals that he owns a rare painted portrait of Soulja Boy, which is basically the most amazing thing of all time. I love the fact that it’s all really come together for him.

The long fight between Charles Oakley and the New York Knicks is over. A while back, the franchise legend decided he wanted to put hands on the team’s owner, or at least try to, and he ended up getting thrown out of Madison Square Garden by six dudes. Then, owner James Dolan banned him from the arena. So, they ended up in court. Now, Oakley has accepted a deal to not go to the facility for a year, but left open the possibility of civil charges. Fighting a retired man with nothing to lose in court for his dignity is not a winning battle, but good luck, Dolan.

Free Food

Coffee Break: I just want to give a shout-out to my man Joel Anderson, who joins us at ESPN to cover college football and basketball. Joel is a personal friend and a great dude. He also played football at Texas Christian University and is a great Twitter follower. I’m so happy he’s part of the team and I say that with no shame whatsoever.

Snack Time: Nardwuar and D.R.A.M. seem like those two dudes who ended up getting stuck with each other as college roommates and it ended in a beautiful relationship that no one expected. This interview is total gold.

Dessert: Only musicians can make amusement parks seem this fun. Lil Yachty is having a great summer.

 

Daily Dose: 8/3/17

Dave Chappelle ain’t what he used to be

12:43 PMClinton Yates is not here. He’s currently watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to find clues as to how White House senior adviser Stephen Miller is only 31.

  • The Baltimore Police Department, much like the professional football team in the city it protects, is quickly realizing the jig is up. For the second time in three weeks, video footage has surfaced of police officers allegedly planting drugs. This time, from a stop last November recorded on body cameras, an officer can be seen squatting by the driver’s side door, stepping back, and another officer moving in and finding a bag of heroin and marijuana. The charges against the suspect were eventually dropped, and Maryland prosecutors dismissed more than 30 cases after the release of the first video in July.
  • Dave Chappelle, as much as it hurts to say, is struggling. On Wednesday night, he held the first of 16 shows at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall, and the reviews weren’t great. Chappelle tried, and failed, to make jokes about the trans community … again, and he apparently had trouble finding the humor in the perpetual-gift-that-keeps-on-giving President Donald Trump. Between this first night of the residency, his 50-50 performance on Saturday Night Live (asking the audience to give Trump a chance), his largely forgettable two-part special for Netflix, and the countless times he’s been booed this decade, it might be safe to say that the Chappelle we knew from the early 2000s is long gone.
  • The leaks continue for Trump. Days after firing the man who said he’d kill leakers and hiring a new chief of staff looking to install military-style discipline at the White House, the commander in chief’s most private moments have been released to the public again. The Washington Post got hold of transcripts of the president’s calls with heads of state in Mexico and Australia from earlier this year. Trump Keith Sweat-begged Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto to stop telling the media Mexico wouldn’t pay for his billion-dollar border wall, and the next day told Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, a U.S. ally, that their call was “the most unpleasant call all day,” and a previous talk with Russian President Vladi­mir Putin “was a pleasant call.”

Things that make you think …

  1. For the first time in history, WNBA players will be featured in a video game. Electronic Arts, the video game developer responsible for the NBA Live franchise, announced that NBA Live 18 will include all 12 WNBA teams and rosters exactly 20 years after the inaugural season of the all-women’s league.
  2. The Texas football program replaced the nameplates on players’ lockers with 43-inch TV monitors for the upcoming season. Keep in mind, the Longhorns pay new head coach Tom Herman more than $5 million a season, one of the top salaries in the country, and had the second-highest total revenue in the NCAA last season ($187,981,158) while having the highest expenses ($171,394,287), which will no doubt increase with the purchase of more than 100 new TVs. If you wonder why college players don’t get paid, here’s why.

Daily Dose: 8/2/17

NFL may allow marijuana for players’ pain relief

12:16 PMSo, my week on Mike & Mike is done, but it was a fun one. I’d like to thank Booger McFarland and Sean Farnham for co-hosting with me, and of course, the crew in Bristol, Connecticut, for making everything work. Now, here’s an unpopular opinion.

So, while you were too worried about Colin Kaepernick and whether his presence in Baltimore might create an issue for Ravens fans, the actual police there seem to be up to no good. See, aside from the whole matter of people dying in their custody, there’s also this small little concern about, you know, conspiracy to fabricate evidence. What’s that? You didn’t think that was real? It is. And it gets court cases thrown out. So, when you wonder why people don’t trust law enforcement officials, now you have an example.

I like robots, but they scare me. As in, when it comes to sci-fi movies, I’m here to watch them blow each other up and create havoc. But the idea of actual robots populating my life is terrifying. Which is why I get nervous whenever I hear the term artificial intelligence. There’s a small part of me that believes that only humans are dumb enough to invent things that will kill them, because, well, we’ve already done that many times. So, when it turns out that Facebook had to kill bots that created their own languages to communicate with each other, my skin crawls.

When SoundCloud first dropped, I was ecstatic. The easy-to-use interface that allowed both artists and fans to interact directly was a monster step from, say, MySpace, and it provided an incredible, searchable, savable community for people to share in. It was basically not even about the music, it was just a great environment to be a part of that happened to have quite a few songs. Now, with its future in jeopardy, people involved in everything are talking about how it all went down. What a sad tale.

It looks like the NFL is getting interested in weed. Not in the recreational sense, but it appears that when it comes to pain relief, the shield is considering allowing marijuana. Now, many people are concerned that this will just lead to more players blazing and acting like it’s for pain, which is an argument I don’t really understand why anyone cares about. If you want to smoke your way out of the league, you’re going to do it whether the league fines you for it or not. Allowing players to use it, for whatever reason, just makes more sense.

Free Food

Coffee Break: I have a dream to buy an International Harvester Scout and drive to California in it and basically never come back. Who knows if that will ever happen, but some people do this in minivans every single day of the week. As it turns out, that’s not really what minivans were made for at all to begin with.

Snack Time: What would you do if you invited the Obamas to your wedding and you actually got a response? What if it happened months later, though? That’s real life for some people.

Dessert: Want to improve your mood? Watch the videos for Khalid’s “Young, Dumb & Broke.”